Being real...

I need to take a moment and vent. My reason for this posting is NOT for people to feel sorry or have sympathy for me. It's simply a way for me to vent my feelings about what is going on here so I may be better able to cope effectively.
This Christmas has been like no other before it. As many of you know, my Grandpa who had previously been very healthy is now battling pancreatic cancer. In July, his life and our lives changed forever. In nursing school, I had some opportunities to care for people dealing with terminal illness, but it is completely different when it is Grandpa in this situation... the Grandpa who used to call me "Stephonopolis", The Grandpa who drove me to the post office as we discussed all of the important things in life, the Grandpa who always had a way of saying things so that they made sense to me and he always instilled the belief in myself that I was okay. Growing up, I spent many weeks here in Florida with Grandma and Grandpa. They were an amazing support to me and I cannot emphasize enough how much these two precious people have impacted my life.
Now Grandpa is sick. His cancer, the chemo treaments, and the injections to boost his immune system are making him ill. He is tired, feverish, and losing weight. He was in the hospital a couple weeks ago because of a fever, and there was fear of that happening again last night. This is all very difficult to watch, but the emotional suffering he is experiencing due to this illness is the worst part. He is angry and defensive. He is paranoid about germs and getting sick. He never leaves the house and none of us can touch him (no hugs, etc). My family will not go to church for Christmas and I'm debating whether or not I'll go alone as I know it will raise my Grandpa's anxiety levels about germs. Although a lot of his fears seem irrational, I cannot even begin to imagine all of the anxiety and fright associated with battling cancer.
There are moments when I see Grandpa and the way he used to be but then there are moments when he is confused, anxious, and angry and I find myself asking "Who is this man?" This is a scary thought and this is a scary time, but it's good that we are all here together. As difficult as it is to watch someone I love suffer, it is equally important to remember that this is the time when he needs us the most. He needs our love and support now more than ever. It's important to be strong for Grandma too. She is under a lot of pressure and experiencing a lot of stress, she has lost a lot of weight, doesn't sleep well at night, and is very anxious.
I feel that I have coped on this trip by distancing myself to some degree. I'm not sure whether or not this is a healthy approach, but who know's what the right thing is. I spend time sitting and talking with Grandpa, but I also spend time on the computer, reading my book, or crocheting hats. I want things to be the way they used to be. I want my Grandpa to be the person he used to be. My Grandpa no longer drives me to the post office as we have discussions about life, he no longer calls me "Stephonopolis", and our conversations are more sporadic. Although I feel like part of him may be gone, a part of him is not gone. Life's events are changing some aspects of my Grandpa's life, but he is still my Grandpa.
I will be leaving my Grandparent's house to meet the marching band at the Alamo Bowl in a couple days. While I want to stay and help and be with my family, part of me honestly wants to run away and not look back...I want to run away so I can pretend like all of this is not happening...so I can pretend like my Grandpa is not hurting...so I can pretent that he is the same as he was before. This is tough.
There are only a couple presents under the tree this year, and I see this year's holiday as an opportunity to live the true meaning of Christmas. It is a time to practice the importance of love, family, friends, and togetherness. On that note, I wish you all a wonderful Christmas full of many blessings.
 
"And now these three remain: faith, hope and love, but the greatest of these is love.
       - I Corinthians, chapter 13

Christmas, 2005

On Tuesday afternoon, my parents, sister, the dog and I packed up began our journey to Orlando in the family minivan. After all of the build up and lack of sleep with graduation weekend, I hadn't taken a lot of time to think about this trip and my feelings associated with it. I was a bit skeptical about how my family would tolerate the 24-hour ride in the car, and I was also wondering how we would handle the stress of my Grandpa's illness. I am proud of my family as we have been working together to make this Christmas as pleasant and normal as possible for each other and for my Grandparents. Our ride down to Orlando was an adventure filled with lots of laughter and family togetherness. At times when schedules are so busy, I feel distant from my family. This ride and time together were comforting reminders of how close we really are. We took turns driving, and drove through the night. We all stopped at a gas station for snacks at 2:30am, I took my turn driving from ~4:45am-6:30am, my mom and I had a lot of time to chat, and we all laughed A LOT. Also, I didn't realize how tired I was from graduation weekend and all of the related festivities. I think I slept for nearly 17 of the 24 hours we were in the car. I feel so refreshed now!
As we arrived to Grandma and Grandpa's house, I was a bit nervous as I haven't been here since my Grandpa found out he had pancreatic cancer. It seems that he has semi-comfortably settled into the routines associated with his illness. There are many times when he appears to be angry about his situation, and also very concerned and sad. However, there are also moments where I think "There's Grandpa" when he says things that remind me of how things used to be. It has been great to be here and I am optimistic about the remainer of the trip and our impact here.
We are all heading off to the hospital in a few minutes where my Grandpa will get his chemo treatment. This is still strange to think that my Grandpa is sick...the one who has always been so strong for me...the one whose house I would look forward to visiting every year because Grandpa and Grandma showed me unwaivering support, love, and made me realize that I was okay. My parents showed me this as I grew up too, but my Grandparents have had such an impact.
Merry Christmas everybody!

Lucky

Throughout this whole graduation weekend, I took some time to think about my life and the people in it...
Proclaiming myself as "lucky" is an understatement.
There are several examples to illustrate my point. One involves an evening last week when Julie and I were moving out of our apartment. It was late in the evening when she and I started getting really upset (tears have been frequent this week!). Anyhoo, Sarah and Steph Day decided that we should all pack up and spend the night in Omaha so that no one had to be alone. We all packed up the car and drove to Omaha at 10:30 at night. This gesture demonstrated true, genuine, priceless friendship. I love my three roommates more than they will ever know. They are wonderful people and I am blessed to be able to call them my friends.
I had family come in from California to spend the weekend with us. I'm fortunate to have them and my parents and Emily in my life. My parents keep me grounded and provide guidance while my sister keeps me sane :) Emily has always been there to listen, give a hug, or make me laugh. As we have grown up, our role as sisters has transformed into a friendship that means the world to me.
As I read through cards from friends who attended my party, and reflected on the gathering itself, I am reminded of how precious each person in my life is. I feel that I can be myself, be supported, and have a good time...all at the same time! I pray that I am able to be as strong a friend for the people in my life as they are for me.
I just wanted to take this opportunity to say thank you for all of your support. Life is quite the adventure, and I'm blessed to be on this journey with you.

If life were a musical....today con'd

How cool would it be if life was a musical? It would be so cool if people randomly began singing in harmony or danced as they walked through life.
I attended the musical Thoroughly Modern Millie at the Lied Center tonight. Before the performance, I attended a wine and cheese-tasting party hosted by the Dean of Admissions at UNL. My mom and a bunch of counselors were invited to this etiquette-driven event. I enjoyed the gathering, but I am always a bit uncomfortable at events where you are constantly worrying about wiping your face after eating or situations where it would be incredibly embarassing to have a big goober on your face or let a fart or something. Anyhoo, we got to the performance and I was feeling very sleeeeeepy. It ends up that my seat was right next to the Dean of Admissions at UNL. The performance was definitely good, but I was so tired....I chewed gum in an attempt to not fall asleep on this head-hancho of the University.
I got a call last night from my best friend from high school (Jessica's) mom. It was a surprise to me last night, but Jess was in town tonight for a med school interview tomorrow. Anyhoo, it turns out that we were both planning on going to the musical, so she and I had a chance to chat during intermission. I find God's little twists in life to be so amazing. I really needed to see her as I am so stressed about the changes in my life that are about to take place. In my opinion, God must have known this and sent her to Nebraksa, and made sure we were going to be in the same place tonight.
Okay, time for bed...Highlights dress rehearsal is at 6:45am. Have a great night!

Can we say EMOTIONAL?!

Today has been a very emotional day. This was my last day of precepting on the adolescent psychiatric unit at Bryan West. I'm sure going to miss that place. I truely feel that psychiatric nursing is my calling. I absolutely loved going to work every day and felt that I really connected with some of the patients...and hopefully made a difference in their lives. We had 25 clients on the unit today, so needless to say it was a very busy day. My preceptor had to attend CPR class, so I was in charge of our 6 assigned patients for the 3 hours she was gone. It was great to gain some autonomy. I love my job and I will miss the staff there very much.
This morning, I got a call from Children's hospital in Omaha. ( I would LOVE to work there.) I have already given verbal commitment to Bergan Mercy because when I called Children's a few weeks ago, they said they were not hiring....dilemna. I know that the job at Bergan would be great, but I really wanted to give the one at Children's a chance...so I set up an interview for Monday.
I stopped by church on my way home this afternoon, and talked with Barb. She wrote me a very sweet card and it made me cry. The Lutheran Student Center has become a second family as I have attended college here. The experiences and opportunities there have been irreplacable.
Please pardon my loose associations as I vent a little: I have been so emotional today. I started packing last night, and my room is kind of bare. I love living in this apartment with my 3 best friends and I don't want to move ever. I'm comfortable with life now. I'm scared. I love all of my friends here in Lincoln. I hope we all stay in touch.

AHHH and Awww

AHHH for moving day being in less than a week, I have not started packing, Band Highlights concert is this weekend and I need to practice, I'm tired, I'm stressed, I will be moving and starting a job

Awww for a dozen red roses from my sweetie and for friends and roommates who I wouldn't trade for the entire world.